PRODUCT OF MY OWN ANXIETY

So of course I do need return to the start; how did I end up in Mexico. Why Alaska? And what is a 24 year old girl doing wondering the North American continent on her own? To most of these questions I don’t actually have an answer. Now I know everyone hates self-indulgent 20somethings, they are apparently now more annoying than teenagers which, having two teenage sisters, definitely take offence to.

We are a lost generation, we were offered so many choices, so many opportunities we had the world and to me that is a lot of pressure. To be told I can do anything – that I can be anyone? Well what I am to do with that kind of information? I never knew what I wanted to do as a child; I changed my mind every week. A teacher, a doctor, a soldier, a pilot, a nanny, a forensic scientist, a writer, a painter, photographer, journalist, dancer, military historian and they were all possible right? Well to be honest not the science as it really never was my strong point, I was told I lacked any artistic ability so could not be a painter, I have no sense of rhythm or balance for a dancer, I changed my opinion regarding children so teacher and nanny were out, you needed to much physics for a pilot and they didn’t let girls fly F-14’s which was unacceptable to me, as for a soldier I have a very nervous disposition and jump and the slightest thing plus my fitness level leaves a lot to be desired, I was told my writing was not of substance and so what was I left with… Not a lot for someone told I could do or be anything I wanted. All the things I wanted weren’t really options, by the time I figured some of them out my subjects were decided and I was traveling down a different path – one which had no destination.

I seemed to fall down the Military History path; I always found history interesting but only the wars, and only 20^th century warfare the rest seemed to bore me and it so happened my next door neighbour was a professor of Military History. I was the only one in my whole school who had not applied to university before I left and in our school that was unheard of. But I didn’t know what I wanted to do and I refused to be pushed and so decided six months traveling would be the answer. I chose Ecuador because my cousin was already the ‘traveller’ in the family and it was somewhere she hadn’t been; I do not enjoy being compared to anyone, especially my family. So I found a volunteer project and set off. However I ended up applying to university before I left; parents are reluctant to let their children wonder off to the other side of the world without some kind of reassurance they will return. And no one could guarantee I would return. I found out I had been accepted into all my choices sometime in February and felt absolutely none of the joy and excitement exhibited by the other girl who was on the volunteer project but still accepted one and carried on not thinking about it at all. So it was here that started my real love of traveling; I had been away before but this time was so different and I felt as if I had found a second home and family. The day we were due to leave I cried and cried. I carried that experience with me constantly when I returned, never allowing anyone to forget where I had been. Then September came around and I packed up my belongings and moved to Salford, five minutes from central Manchester. I had never even visited Manchester before! One of the first people I met was a girl who had also been to South America and we bonded and I was allowed to relive my time there and I really did.

I spent my first year of university never going to lectures but loving the social scene. I hated my course and passed by the skin of my teeth. I also entangled myself in a relationship which I was determined not to after Ecuador and my relationship drama out there. So instead of going home for the summer I stayed and entangled myself more by renting a flat with the relationship. By the time September came around again I had a full time job and settled into working and so promptly failed my second year and had to re-sit. By this time I decided it really wasn’t for me and dropped out. Two years later I owned my own house and was still in the relationship working in the same retail job. No. This was not what I had wanted. I lost my travel, I clung desperately onto my Ecuador stories but it was becoming tragic by this time and I was sick of myself and this life I had created.

I soon realised I was coasting through my own life and failing to participate. I have always been someone who wanted to leave their mark and here I was doing the exact opposite. So I packed it all up. Left my job, left the relationship, packed up my belongings and went to stay with my Dad for a few months which made me see more how much my parents were disappointed by me; not that they would ever admit it but who wants a daughter who is a drop-out, works in retail and lacks any enthusiasm drive or spark. I am not exactly something to boast about to friends now am I? So I was determined to find out what exactly it was I wanted so packed my belongings back up, kicked the relationship out and found a job to tide over my self-discovery. Oh yes, I used the ‘self-discovery’ phrase, I do despise that I am my own epic cliché, it does burn a little but what else can I call this whole traipsing about expedition? I felt ridiculous that I was such a loser, that I had no achievements, no qualifications and was now the sad single girl in my group of very coupled up friends. Needless to say it lasted a few months before I couldn’t take it anymore. 2010 came, my best-friend got engaged and come my 24^th birthday I decided enough was enough, rented my house out properly, moved all my stuff to my Dad’s, got a retail job and booked a flight to Canada for May 2011. I took my mum to the Travel Agents with me and she infused me with the enthusiasm I needed and so I planned my two year adventure and spent three months staying with my Mum, sisters and step-dad in Edinburgh.