DEVIATING FROM THE PLAN

May 2^nd 2011 came around so fast. I had spent months planning (or so I thought, I later discovered how little I was prepared!) my trip across Canada, then to Alaska, across the U.S and then down to South America where I planned to teach English for a year. Oh the irony of that situation as I look for Spanish classes in Mexico but it is impossible to plan when so many things come up. For example I never even planned to go to the east coast of Canada but a girl I met in Montreal who was headed east and we struck up a friendship that led me to Quebec City, Charlottetown, Cape Breton Island and Halifax. That was an incredible month and so glad I went so like I said you can’t plan for these things. Plans are apparently non-refundable which is a total pain in the ass and unbelievably costly at the end of the day. However on the flip side when I got to New York I really should’ve planned as it was difficult to find somewhere to say but again I ended up staying with a woman on the Upper West Side and sharing great times with her so maybe there is something in this fate malarkey!

When I try and think about what made me decided Canada, U.S etc I have no idea, I really don’t know what it was that made me decide to travel here. Maybe it’s because it is so close and I feel silly that I never visited. Although saying that Ireland is damned close but I still haven’t visited there; the shame! But I know my Mother contributed greatly, she also loves to travel having been carted across Europe in the back of her parents’ car with her three brothers when she was a child and it was hearing her stories that inspired me all the way. It is always hearing her advice that stops me from giving up; she always makes me see sense and ends up pointing me in the direction I didn’t realise was right. She says she knows what I should do, knows what will suit me and make me happy but refuses to share this vital information – apparently I am just stubborn enough to ignore her and go off wondering lost and confused as I didn’t figure it out for myself. I found an interesting quote that I have made my mantra – ‘life is not about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself’ and I find that so apt, so meaningful and so what I want and desperately need to hear. It’s funny how plans change, how things you start you realise you now lack the will to finish, things that interested you now bore and people you thought were great are really not so great; they are the superficial aspects of your life that you are quite determinedly running from.

PRODUCT OF MY OWN ANXIETY

So of course I do need return to the start; how did I end up in Mexico. Why Alaska? And what is a 24 year old girl doing wondering the North American continent on her own? To most of these questions I don’t actually have an answer. Now I know everyone hates self-indulgent 20somethings, they are apparently now more annoying than teenagers which, having two teenage sisters, definitely take offence to.

We are a lost generation, we were offered so many choices, so many opportunities we had the world and to me that is a lot of pressure. To be told I can do anything – that I can be anyone? Well what I am to do with that kind of information? I never knew what I wanted to do as a child; I changed my mind every week. A teacher, a doctor, a soldier, a pilot, a nanny, a forensic scientist, a writer, a painter, photographer, journalist, dancer, military historian and they were all possible right? Well to be honest not the science as it really never was my strong point, I was told I lacked any artistic ability so could not be a painter, I have no sense of rhythm or balance for a dancer, I changed my opinion regarding children so teacher and nanny were out, you needed to much physics for a pilot and they didn’t let girls fly F-14’s which was unacceptable to me, as for a soldier I have a very nervous disposition and jump and the slightest thing plus my fitness level leaves a lot to be desired, I was told my writing was not of substance and so what was I left with… Not a lot for someone told I could do or be anything I wanted. All the things I wanted weren’t really options, by the time I figured some of them out my subjects were decided and I was traveling down a different path – one which had no destination.

I seemed to fall down the Military History path; I always found history interesting but only the wars, and only 20^th century warfare the rest seemed to bore me and it so happened my next door neighbour was a professor of Military History. I was the only one in my whole school who had not applied to university before I left and in our school that was unheard of. But I didn’t know what I wanted to do and I refused to be pushed and so decided six months traveling would be the answer. I chose Ecuador because my cousin was already the ‘traveller’ in the family and it was somewhere she hadn’t been; I do not enjoy being compared to anyone, especially my family. So I found a volunteer project and set off. However I ended up applying to university before I left; parents are reluctant to let their children wonder off to the other side of the world without some kind of reassurance they will return. And no one could guarantee I would return. I found out I had been accepted into all my choices sometime in February and felt absolutely none of the joy and excitement exhibited by the other girl who was on the volunteer project but still accepted one and carried on not thinking about it at all. So it was here that started my real love of traveling; I had been away before but this time was so different and I felt as if I had found a second home and family. The day we were due to leave I cried and cried. I carried that experience with me constantly when I returned, never allowing anyone to forget where I had been. Then September came around and I packed up my belongings and moved to Salford, five minutes from central Manchester. I had never even visited Manchester before! One of the first people I met was a girl who had also been to South America and we bonded and I was allowed to relive my time there and I really did.

I spent my first year of university never going to lectures but loving the social scene. I hated my course and passed by the skin of my teeth. I also entangled myself in a relationship which I was determined not to after Ecuador and my relationship drama out there. So instead of going home for the summer I stayed and entangled myself more by renting a flat with the relationship. By the time September came around again I had a full time job and settled into working and so promptly failed my second year and had to re-sit. By this time I decided it really wasn’t for me and dropped out. Two years later I owned my own house and was still in the relationship working in the same retail job. No. This was not what I had wanted. I lost my travel, I clung desperately onto my Ecuador stories but it was becoming tragic by this time and I was sick of myself and this life I had created.

I soon realised I was coasting through my own life and failing to participate. I have always been someone who wanted to leave their mark and here I was doing the exact opposite. So I packed it all up. Left my job, left the relationship, packed up my belongings and went to stay with my Dad for a few months which made me see more how much my parents were disappointed by me; not that they would ever admit it but who wants a daughter who is a drop-out, works in retail and lacks any enthusiasm drive or spark. I am not exactly something to boast about to friends now am I? So I was determined to find out what exactly it was I wanted so packed my belongings back up, kicked the relationship out and found a job to tide over my self-discovery. Oh yes, I used the ‘self-discovery’ phrase, I do despise that I am my own epic cliché, it does burn a little but what else can I call this whole traipsing about expedition? I felt ridiculous that I was such a loser, that I had no achievements, no qualifications and was now the sad single girl in my group of very coupled up friends. Needless to say it lasted a few months before I couldn’t take it anymore. 2010 came, my best-friend got engaged and come my 24^th birthday I decided enough was enough, rented my house out properly, moved all my stuff to my Dad’s, got a retail job and booked a flight to Canada for May 2011. I took my mum to the Travel Agents with me and she infused me with the enthusiasm I needed and so I planned my two year adventure and spent three months staying with my Mum, sisters and step-dad in Edinburgh.

DIFFERENT CITY, DIFFERENT DAY… EVERY DAY

It feels as though it is almost an everyday occurrence to find myself sat in a yet another city in yet another country wondering what my next move will be. I make myself sound somewhat glamorous there which is definitely not the case. I am not a member of the privileged classes; I am a somewhat bored, dazed, confused and delusional 24 year old girl who dreams of being whisked off by her Prince on a white horse despite my jaded outlook on life love and all that lies between the murky waters of growing up. Ah yes, growing up. Something I have managed to put off quite well despite familial attempts otherwise. In saying that I find it is more my friends that are determined to push me towards something I do not want; on occasion I do feel like a project, or a spinster aunt. Luckily I am no longer the last single girl on the block; relationships at 24 surprisingly come and go. It has been an interesting transition from the one in the second longest relationship to the one furthest away from marriage and babies, although I fully admit to me I was never that close. I never wanted all those things – marriage is a no-go area in my mind. I do not believe in signing my life onto a piece of paper nor will I ever trust anyone enough to allow them to be in every part of my life, I find it a ludicrous idea that you are not to have secrets from someone and that this person is to share in every aspect of your life. I do not like to share and there are few people I tell all aspects of my life to, I share bits and pieces but only I hold all the pages and I like it that way.

But to return to my current location, which happens to be Los Cabos (specifically San Jose del Cabo) in Mexico. I decided enough was enough and it was time to do something productive with myself and left New York in a cloud of anxiety and frustration. I was sick of the U.S; it gets to you after a while all that false bravado, inexplicable pride and bullshit. Don’t get me wrong I think every country has the right to be patriotic; I love my country but at the same time can see its flaws. Apparently the same cannot be said for those who reside in the good old USA… plus I would like to know exactly what it is this ‘great nation’ has done to invoke such passion and reverence in its people. A country that is a mere 232 years old should not be able to boast about its ‘history’. History. Please my school is older than the United States. Now I am not saying I don’t like the states or that I wouldn’t go there again. Alaska is the most incredible place I have ever been and has totally changed me. I have never felt more in love with a place and a place has never gotten more into my blood than Alaska. Not necessarily a specific town but the state itself; it is a world unto its own and somewhere I will never forget and fully intend to return to many times in the future. In fact I do believe to find myself a born and bred, bearded Alaskan would in fact be living the dream! I do think the people I met in Alaska have a lot to do with my enamoured feelings; spending three weeks in a tent with someone either builds bonds or drives you insane. Fortunately I feel I built bonds; a fantastic group of people who I easily made my family for the time we were together. Even the bad times have good memories and I have stories I will never forget; medical evacuation and search and rescue being the two that spring to mind. Alaska is also the only place that has its own playlist that every time I listen a smile breaks out across my face and I look like a crazy person sat in Starbucks smiling, dancing and singing to myself but in that moment I do not care; I have my memories and everything else falls to the wayside. I don’t think even I comprehend how much this 49^th State has changed me and it’s anybody’s guess what the end results will be.

There are places I wanted to go in the States that I never got to for lack of transportation; that’s right I’m 24 and do not hold a drivers licence. I just never needed to drive… until now which of course is par the course really! Montana, Wyoming, Colorado – they are my ‘dream states’; places I feel the world is just not the same. Having met a lot of people from Colorado and some from Montana I feel I would experience the same rush as I did from Alaska. There are of course the southern states that really are so full of the most incredible stories and history that continues today. With the southern states I thought the middle of August might not be the best time visit – so instead headed to Mexico where the heat nearly kills me every night as I toss and turn in a vain attempt to find some cool air and sleep. But I also wanted to leave something to go back; I feel as though had I seen and done everything maybe I would never go back. I have to cross the border back into the U.S pretty much every 30 days to make sure I can keep my Visa and return for a visit in October and November.