THE WHOLE WORLD IS FALLING APART

Am I the most selfish girl in the whole world? Really am I? I cannot begin to comprehend what is happening with my family right now, I feel like they are falling apart. My sister is has experienced something I would never wish on my worst enemy and there is nothing I can to help, nothing but be there and I am not there. My baby sister is going through something I don’t think even she understands, she is so lost, she is only 17 for god’s sake, life is not supposed to be this hard for her. She understands too much, sees and feels everything and there is no one there for her to talk to, to help understand what she is going through and I need to be there for her. For them both, they are the most important people in my life and I am not there for them. I haven’t had a proper conversation with my Mum in so long and now my Dad has said something to make her mad and I know he misses me but wants everything in the world for me, and so does she but I know she worries about me. I can’t fix it all, I can’t sort it all from here, I need to see them, be with them, make it all better for them but what can I do from here? How can I think about going off and doing my thing when they are all suffering and I feel like I can help, I know I can help. But I know I won’t be helping myself and that is why none of them would tell me or let me come home; which makes me the most selfish girl in all the world.

THE WELCOME SOUND OF SILENCE

There is always that uncomfortable moment in your life when you realise that you are totally lacking in chemistry with another person; you just know that it is never going to work out and is probably best if you both go your separate ways. However there is that awkward moment when that person happens to be a three year old child who you are supposed to be looking after and after three weeks it is clear to everyone that you cannot bond. You just don’t ‘mesh’ well together.

And so I find myself in this situation which has become so obvious to everyone that I received an email (via facebook no less) from said Childs’ mother indicating her concern and giving me advise on what to do. How do I say that I have tried all the things she is suggesting and that we just don’t have the all-important chemistry; I knew within a few days of meeting him that it was going to be hard however this is worse than I ever thought. I am not happy and he is definitely not happy, I also feel my attitude differs greatly from his parents. Having grown up in a strict household where screaming, shouting and otherwise behaving like a spoilt brat was totally unacceptable and to disrespect our parents meant a swift smack I have discovered I have some very strong opinions on parenting and I know that it is not in my place to do anything; this is not my child and so I cannot discipline him and I do really feel he lacks that strict discipline but as I said it is not my place but I also feel I cannot help here, our opinions differ greatly and I refuse to give in to the demands of a screaming child. It is not how I was brought up and not in my humble uneducated childless opinion the best way to bring up a child. It should never be a question nor an option; do as you are told, simple as.

So now I have to have this conversation, I do not want to waste anyone’s time nor cause problems, that is not why I am here. So what to do now? Do I leave for San Diego this weekend and not return? Do I finish up next week? Do I explain my issues or let it go and say I understand and not return in November? I do understand, it makes everyone’s life more complicated and a lot less fun and that is not what I want for anyone and to be brutally honest, me especially. I did travel thousands of miles to not have fun. I am in an incredible place yes however it lacks any real travel prospects, it’s pretty much all beaches and I have had so many beaches now I don’t quite know what to do with myself. They are wonderful lovely people who I have learnt a lot from but what am I giving them in return?

I had a break from it all at the weekend when I went to San Francisco and it was great to be out and about and I remembered what it was like to be around people again, I think I do miss hostels, I mean I am loving having some time to myself but I feel I am missing out on some great travel experiences. I have just received confirmation of my working holiday visa for New Zealand and I am quite happy to plan out all that instead of thinking about what is going on here. I mean everyone has good days and not so fun days but sometimes I feel quite alone and not at all prepared for the situation I find myself in. At least I now know childcare is definitely not for me, I do not have the patience, the dedication nor the inclination for it. Children are definitely not my thing. I have been having a good time here but all the good times are with the parents not the child. And that is what is affecting me the most I don’t want to let them down; I am already leaving for a month to go off to Canada and work in a hostel but when I saw that they needed people I couldn’t say no, I knew that that was somewhere I would be comfortable, something I could do whereas here was merely an experiment to see if childcare is for me; let’s be honest it isn’t. To say I am yet again spiralling down the path of confusion is just sad really; it should not be this hard.

DEVIATING FROM THE PLAN

May 2^nd 2011 came around so fast. I had spent months planning (or so I thought, I later discovered how little I was prepared!) my trip across Canada, then to Alaska, across the U.S and then down to South America where I planned to teach English for a year. Oh the irony of that situation as I look for Spanish classes in Mexico but it is impossible to plan when so many things come up. For example I never even planned to go to the east coast of Canada but a girl I met in Montreal who was headed east and we struck up a friendship that led me to Quebec City, Charlottetown, Cape Breton Island and Halifax. That was an incredible month and so glad I went so like I said you can’t plan for these things. Plans are apparently non-refundable which is a total pain in the ass and unbelievably costly at the end of the day. However on the flip side when I got to New York I really should’ve planned as it was difficult to find somewhere to say but again I ended up staying with a woman on the Upper West Side and sharing great times with her so maybe there is something in this fate malarkey!

When I try and think about what made me decided Canada, U.S etc I have no idea, I really don’t know what it was that made me decide to travel here. Maybe it’s because it is so close and I feel silly that I never visited. Although saying that Ireland is damned close but I still haven’t visited there; the shame! But I know my Mother contributed greatly, she also loves to travel having been carted across Europe in the back of her parents’ car with her three brothers when she was a child and it was hearing her stories that inspired me all the way. It is always hearing her advice that stops me from giving up; she always makes me see sense and ends up pointing me in the direction I didn’t realise was right. She says she knows what I should do, knows what will suit me and make me happy but refuses to share this vital information – apparently I am just stubborn enough to ignore her and go off wondering lost and confused as I didn’t figure it out for myself. I found an interesting quote that I have made my mantra – ‘life is not about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself’ and I find that so apt, so meaningful and so what I want and desperately need to hear. It’s funny how plans change, how things you start you realise you now lack the will to finish, things that interested you now bore and people you thought were great are really not so great; they are the superficial aspects of your life that you are quite determinedly running from.