FORWARD THINKING

And so today I packed up the majority of my belongings in preparation for my next adventure tomorrow. It's off to New Orleans for the weekend and then Canada for five weeks come Monday. I am excited for the change; New Orleans will be something new and fresh and even though I am going back to Charlottetown it will be totally different and I will have more time there. You know what I am most looking forward to? Rain. In all seriousness I am longing for a rainy day; you know when it pours and you can hear it outside, the cars rushing around splashing about and that fresh smell that lingers in the air. Oh yes, I am longing for rain, nearly two months of sunshine and beaches is more than enough and here's hoping Canada can bring it to me.
Today is also Mexican Independance Day but I have been so precoccupied with organising myself I haven't actually gone out but the celebrations are all this evening so here's hoping for a good time.
Yet again I cannot fit all belongings in one bag; it is the damn paper and books I carry around, too many and too much but I cannot bear to part with any of them, I definitely cannot afford to buy one more thing, not that I have even bought much here, some postcards I am yet to post, two t-shirts and some notebooks (always the notebooks!) Plus I have full size shampoo etc bottles now which is just a bugger I tell you. I am so used to tiny travel bottles I hardly know what to do with these normal ones that take up far too much space in my already swollen bag.
So apart from packing I have spent my day singing along to myself; who can beat a bit of "Across the Universe" soundtrack and Elton John to have a little dance and sing to. Nothing lifts the spirits better than me thinking I can sing. Surprisingly I have become some what teary eyed over the stragest things lately; I found tears in my eyes as I listened to "Hallelujah", "All you Need is Love" and "Let it Be" along with some films and TV Series that I am sure are not meant to make your tear ducts prove their viability but nevertheless I find myself teary to more than just war films now; how my baby sister will ever be able to look at my again after that admission I have not a clue but here's hoping she understands it one day - goodness knows I don't!
I am looking forward to the next part; I can't believe the time has gone by so quickly and soon it will be Christmas 2011 and I will be in New Zealand with a friend from home who I won't have seen in seven months; surreal doesn't cut it I feel. I will also hopefully be meeting a friend from school in L.A in October who I haven't seen in so long so that will also be an interesting experience.
I am concerned about my flight tomorrow what with this cold and my ears playing up again. The flight from San Diego, specifically the decent, was somewhat painful; it feels as though a vessel may burst in my head, it's the tight feeling that knocks me sick. Damn sinus'! Here's hoping I won't be in tears or bleeding from the head when I arrive tomorrow night!

THE WHOLE WORLD IS FALLING APART

Am I the most selfish girl in the whole world? Really am I? I cannot begin to comprehend what is happening with my family right now, I feel like they are falling apart. My sister is has experienced something I would never wish on my worst enemy and there is nothing I can to help, nothing but be there and I am not there. My baby sister is going through something I don’t think even she understands, she is so lost, she is only 17 for god’s sake, life is not supposed to be this hard for her. She understands too much, sees and feels everything and there is no one there for her to talk to, to help understand what she is going through and I need to be there for her. For them both, they are the most important people in my life and I am not there for them. I haven’t had a proper conversation with my Mum in so long and now my Dad has said something to make her mad and I know he misses me but wants everything in the world for me, and so does she but I know she worries about me. I can’t fix it all, I can’t sort it all from here, I need to see them, be with them, make it all better for them but what can I do from here? How can I think about going off and doing my thing when they are all suffering and I feel like I can help, I know I can help. But I know I won’t be helping myself and that is why none of them would tell me or let me come home; which makes me the most selfish girl in all the world.

THE WELCOME SOUND OF SILENCE

There is always that uncomfortable moment in your life when you realise that you are totally lacking in chemistry with another person; you just know that it is never going to work out and is probably best if you both go your separate ways. However there is that awkward moment when that person happens to be a three year old child who you are supposed to be looking after and after three weeks it is clear to everyone that you cannot bond. You just don’t ‘mesh’ well together.

And so I find myself in this situation which has become so obvious to everyone that I received an email (via facebook no less) from said Childs’ mother indicating her concern and giving me advise on what to do. How do I say that I have tried all the things she is suggesting and that we just don’t have the all-important chemistry; I knew within a few days of meeting him that it was going to be hard however this is worse than I ever thought. I am not happy and he is definitely not happy, I also feel my attitude differs greatly from his parents. Having grown up in a strict household where screaming, shouting and otherwise behaving like a spoilt brat was totally unacceptable and to disrespect our parents meant a swift smack I have discovered I have some very strong opinions on parenting and I know that it is not in my place to do anything; this is not my child and so I cannot discipline him and I do really feel he lacks that strict discipline but as I said it is not my place but I also feel I cannot help here, our opinions differ greatly and I refuse to give in to the demands of a screaming child. It is not how I was brought up and not in my humble uneducated childless opinion the best way to bring up a child. It should never be a question nor an option; do as you are told, simple as.

So now I have to have this conversation, I do not want to waste anyone’s time nor cause problems, that is not why I am here. So what to do now? Do I leave for San Diego this weekend and not return? Do I finish up next week? Do I explain my issues or let it go and say I understand and not return in November? I do understand, it makes everyone’s life more complicated and a lot less fun and that is not what I want for anyone and to be brutally honest, me especially. I did travel thousands of miles to not have fun. I am in an incredible place yes however it lacks any real travel prospects, it’s pretty much all beaches and I have had so many beaches now I don’t quite know what to do with myself. They are wonderful lovely people who I have learnt a lot from but what am I giving them in return?

I had a break from it all at the weekend when I went to San Francisco and it was great to be out and about and I remembered what it was like to be around people again, I think I do miss hostels, I mean I am loving having some time to myself but I feel I am missing out on some great travel experiences. I have just received confirmation of my working holiday visa for New Zealand and I am quite happy to plan out all that instead of thinking about what is going on here. I mean everyone has good days and not so fun days but sometimes I feel quite alone and not at all prepared for the situation I find myself in. At least I now know childcare is definitely not for me, I do not have the patience, the dedication nor the inclination for it. Children are definitely not my thing. I have been having a good time here but all the good times are with the parents not the child. And that is what is affecting me the most I don’t want to let them down; I am already leaving for a month to go off to Canada and work in a hostel but when I saw that they needed people I couldn’t say no, I knew that that was somewhere I would be comfortable, something I could do whereas here was merely an experiment to see if childcare is for me; let’s be honest it isn’t. To say I am yet again spiralling down the path of confusion is just sad really; it should not be this hard.